We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
