I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
Man, jail baloney is awful.
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Randomize
