Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Randomize