i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
CONFIRMATION: i wiki searched it and Justin Bieber is 15 not 13. so i dont feel like as much of a pedofile now....
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
is wine microwaveable?
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
Randomize
