i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
