Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
Don't you think facebook is a bit pretentious, suggesting friends and all? No facebook, I would NOT like to be friends with a girl whose fiancee I have slept with.
Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
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