You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
So then I sent a pic msg of the Magnum XL box to her friend
Halloween 2010: the NuvaRing girls. You're Thursday. We'll walk into the party chanting "Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Everydaaay".
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
They peed on our pledges last night... i dont know if i should put an lol at the end of that or not
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
How naked do you want me to be?
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
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