I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
Randomize
