I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
What happened to fro yo and sex?
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
Randomize
