i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
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