weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
Shitshow foam night was such a success
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
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