The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
Randomize
