no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
Randomize
