New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
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