naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
Randomize
