My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
She called it a palate cleanser. She and her friend dike it out once a year before returning to dick
Together or do they pick up? How far do they go? IS AN AUDIENCE PERMITTED? GODAMIT ANSWERS MAN!!!!!!
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
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