there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
Randomize
