Did u know that at any givin time there r 46,948,952 drunk people in the world? Were not alone
You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
As a member of the kink community, I feel grossly misrepresented
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Randomize
