well that was a long night...
dude, you were pretty messed up... what happened?
no idea... but i still woke up with my pirate hat on
He's getting better. i'm using GuitarHero to teach him how to finger me. My clit = the red tab.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
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