Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
In the library. Still drunk. Shoes missnig. Term paper due in fiften minutes. Iff I puke u think theyll throw me out?
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
Randomize
