8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
Randomize
