When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
Is it bad to go up to the security desk and ask them for the name of the guy I signed in last night? I have absolutley no clue
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
Randomize
