ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
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