You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
Randomize
