I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
Randomize