he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
so he must've not known that your lastname is Came because everytime someone would say your name he would scream "NO SHE DIDNT" to the whole party. He must've not been too good then either.
best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
