yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Randomize
