I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Randomize
