I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
Randomize
