I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
Randomize
