I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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