I'm fascinated by her cleavage. She has deep cleavage, but no obvious boobage to speak of. Check it out.
Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
