I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Randomize
