She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
Nothing too bad. Lost a stuffed horse on a stick and tore my clothes off. Again.
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
Laziness has reached now heights if you too unmotivated to buy pot
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
I need to wash the frat house off of me
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
