My underwear smells like fireworks.
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
Do you think casino weekend will remind us once again that we in fact are not mature enough to be this old?
Fuck me I smell like cheese
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
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