Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Randomize
