Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
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