just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
just got dressed up for chatroulette- THAT desperate.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
Randomize
