i just made out with my boyfriends father...and so did jess
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
Had sex with him again...yikes. and the whole time he kept saying "i wish we could do this forever." Forever lasted about 45 seconds
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
shit i just threw up on a freshman
i don't know if i should laugh or feel bad..
nevermind it was a sophmore, laugh.
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
Randomize
