he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
Randomize
