Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
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