its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
And then my night got REAL pukey
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
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