if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
Landen experienced Greenville for the first time last night. He was awaken by 2 cops and 4 EMS guys this morning in the bed of that truck that is for sale at the swashbuckler carwash, said he was trying to walk to waffle house... Greenville- 1, Landen- 0
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
Randomize
