Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
Randomize
