okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
She's been divorced three times and use to raise cock fighters. Of course I'm interested in her
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize