oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
Randomize
