chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
yeah we're all naked, and I think we just shaved Chad.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Randomize
