happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
No...this little piggys going to the bar
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Randomize