I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
Idk if you remember me telling you about him, but I gave him a hj under the stars. Kind of added a little disney aspect to the whole experience.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
I could probably do something when Im able to get enough strength to think about thinking about to stand.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
They took my balls.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
just answer this one ? for me. why is there human shit in my shower right now?
Randomize
