You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
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