guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
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