I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
Randomize
