i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
all the douches that like ed hardy are the same douches that were obsessed with lisa frank
we need to drink 2009 down the drain
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
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