Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
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